Thursday, May 20, 2010

I find myself going to the doctor a lot.
Whatever happened to the days when I could just wake up and go about my business?
Looking at the big picture, I'd consider myself healthy,but
I guess when your closer to 100 than you are to infancy, these pills, supplements and creams are just part of the day.

I went to my dermatologist the other day to have my 6 month skin evaluation. These little visits are a must for me.
Irish + years in the sun = bi-annual trips to the dermatologist of my choice.
Just to be safe, you know.

Here's what's bugging me.
A young girl who hates her job walks into the reception area and calls out my name with the enthusiasm of a Starbucks employee saying "White Chocolate Mocha" for the millionth time.
I follow her in to the exam room and awkwardly stand there as she fills out some paper work.
"Are you here for your full skin exam" she asks without even pretending to be interested in my answer.
"Uh, yeah" I responded, quickly looking around to assure myself I am where I thought I was.
She finished her paper work and then handed me a garment, saying, "Take all your cloths off except your underwear, put this gown on, opening in the back."
Poof, she was gone.

I did as I was told. I'm a quick dresser, so I sit on the chair with the paper covering, and wait.
I then find myself sitting there, adjusting this...."gown",trying not to look as stupid as I think I do.
First of all, it's not a gown, IT'S MORE LIKE A FREAKING SUN DRESS!
Can they give me a garment that would make me feel any more awkward?
I wouldn't have felt any more like an idiot if they gave me a dunce hat and a bra to put on.

As I fumble with my sun dress, trying to keep my shoulders covered, I noticed my legs look whiter and skinnier then ever. This is not a good look for me.
Nothing I could do about that since my "gown" only comes to mid thigh.
I thought for a second my wife would look hot in this, but it wasn't working for me.

I understand I'm in a doctors office. I'd feel more comfortable sitting there in my underwear.
Why do I have to play dress up?

Talk about breaking down a guys confidence.

My doctor, a woman arrives after a few moments, with the tools of the trade in her hand ,which basically looks like a propane torch.
I'll go into that in detail at a later time.

I half expected her to comment on my outfit.
Thank god we weren't wearing matching dresses.


nacherluver said...

Oh man! I can soooo "one up" you on that one! I went to the chiropracter for nearly a year and a half and did the old "just leave your underwear & bra on" that always follows being handed the "open backed smock". The chiro had these little changing stalls to hang out in until it was your turn. One evening, I peeked out and noticed the man who went in for adjustment before me had jeans on. When it was my turn, I went in and said, "are we supposed to fully undress? or are we only supposed to take our tops off?" Docs reply? "Normally patients just take their tops off, but you can do whatever makes you comfortable!"
Heavens to Betsy!!! Why didn't anyone ever tell me to Keep Your Pants On!!!
So there I sat in his room with my bra, underwear and the backless smock on feeling very, very uncomfortable! Actually, it was quite hysterical!!!`
p.s. now I keep my pants on ;)

beth said...

LOL....skinny white legs and a gown !
been there done that.....way too many times, too !

thank god everyone before us and after us on any given day looks pretty much the same way :)

Frau said...

Sorry that can't top the feeling of same gown and stirrups! Here in Germany they don't use gowns your butt naked...even for a dental exam...okay made that part up!

dcpeg said...

You really brightened my day picturing you in your "gown". I laughed outloud when you mentioned you thought your wife would look hot in the same dress!! That's a guy for ya - always thinking about sex! ;-}

Look for my report on my upcoming mammogram. What we're given to wear for those falls way short of what you had. :-O

slommler said...

When you get a mammogram they give you a paper cape that opens in the front!! Talk about bizarre. And I figure why bother...the girls have to come out anyway!!!
And why are all these things paper?? What ever happened to cloth? Much more comfortable and longer too!

Jerral Miles said...

You and I are even more alike than I had earlier thought. I have a standing appointment every-six-months appointment with my dermatologist... and except for the young assistant (mine is fiftyish) and a male doctor, the routine is exactly the same. I've been there so many times now that I just leave the gown on the back of the chair and try to seem nonchalan waiting in my skivvies... for his torture with the freezer gun. Ah, what we do to stay alive.
I like your writing... I'll bet you've got a bunch of short stories squirreled away somewhere... and that you've at least begun to think about that novel.
I'll be first in line to buy the book.

Marilyn said...

Funny! My husband visits the dermatologist often with the same issues too. I will have to ask him if he has to wear a dress too.

Barefoot from Heaven said...

Oh Mark you had me just fall of my chair from laughing sorry buddy not at you but the way you discribe your wonderful sexy dress, your white leggs and handsome shoulders that peep out...I so totaly can imagine you sitting there.

I've been in hospital way to many times for surgery on my body coverd burns that I know the drill to well.
And why did you get a woman doctor when I got all the guys?
Oh was your nice little dress coloured ours always have the most rediculous paintings on them...yuk.

Well next time your in there I'll be thinking about you.
I'm done, I've given up on surgerey 14 times was enough for me so I'll have to live with what I look like now and I'm blessed on the fact that dresses like that are over and done with for me (at least let's hope so).

Thank you so so very much for telling your story in the funny way you did.Made me look so different to all my visits to hospital.
Hugs D.